Around 40 people, almost half of whom were men, gathered at the AWARE Centre on the evening of 12 July to bring to light their struggles with deeply ingrained gender norms. These norms expect boys to be “manly”, and penalise those who are unable to earn or prove their masculinity through bullying, harassment, teasing and physical violence.

The roundtable, Let’s Talk: Take It Like A Man, followed the release of a recent study – a collaboration between gender equality group AWARE and Ngee Ann Polytechnic’s Diploma in Psychology Studies programme – which revealed that almost all (97%) of boys have either experienced violence or gender policing for being “gay” or “girly”, or perpetrated violence against boys that they felt were effeminate or “gay”. These results came from a survey of 809 male respondents in JCs, Polytechnics and ITEs and were based on their experiences during secondary school. The most common forms of gender policing were being told to “man up” or “take it like a man”. 82% of respondents had also committed physical violence against other boys or transgender women/girls.

Corinna Lim, Executive Director of AWARE, opened the discussion by explaining why AWARE was pursuing a topic that seemingly had nothing to do with women. She explained, “(This aggression is) not necessarily against women, but against femininity. I was a tomboy. I played tennis, I was always in shorts, and I was looked up to for those things. But men who show feminine traits get a different treatment.”

An audience member revealed that while he was not harassed in school because he was good at sports, an ‘effeminate’ campmate that he knew during National Service was bullied “day and night”.

When participants were asked to briefly share incidents in which they or someone they knew were told to “man up”, the room buzzed with enthusiastic discussion. Most agreed that they or someone they knew had experienced such forms of gender policing.

Writer and arts organiser Daryl Yam recounted how his ‘effeminate’ mannerisms led to him being “called every name imaginable” by his peers at an all-boys school. He was especially hurt when, after performing badly during a ball game, a teacher he admired and looked up to called him a “guniang (girl)”.

This lack of support from teachers was also experienced by fellow panellist Sherry Sherqueshaa, a transgender woman, researcher and writer at sex workers’ rights group Project X. She had been branded a “sissy” and “bapok” by her classmates, but noted that her teachers let it continue despite being aware that such labels were being hurled at her from across the classroom.

Some participants wondered if aggressive male behaviour such as ‘tau pok’ might simply be “a form of rough handshake”, and that it is difficult to distinguish between bullying and more physically aggressive forms of friendly interaction. In response, Mr Benny Bong, an anti-violence advocate on the panel, said that violence used in gender policing is problematic when it is done without the clear consent of all involved. He added that the confusion felt towards the playfulness of physically aggressive male behaviour is rooted in how men are socialised, and that it is important for men to get together and reflect on this.

Participants felt that the roundtable provided an avenue for much-needed discussion on the issue. One participant said, “I’m glad that I see more people taking up a good cause to change society. I’m sad and mad about the survey results. I thought my generation would be less discriminatory.”

Another participant did not find the survey results surprising because he had studied at an all boys secondary school and had experienced many forms of gender policing described in the report. However, he reiterated the importance of exploring male violence when dealing with women’s rights, saying, “When (all) genders are equal, every individual is allowed to achieve their full potential. But when you have these cookie cutter molds, people are inevitably going to fall out.”