Our “Your Stories” series are submissions shared with us via email or in one-on-one interviews, for the purposes of our research and campaigns. All names have been changed (unless the use of real names was explicitly permitted by the author), and we have sought permission to publish from the authors/interviewees themselves. The opinions expressed in these posts do not represent those of AWARE.

Adam: I attended a talk on caregivers by AWARE and would like to share my story regarding my caregiving experience, specifically from the point of view of a young male adult in Singapore who is care giving for an elderly.

Just to give a bit of background information, I am going to be 24 this year and have been taking care of my grandaunt (who has been taking care of me when I was young). She has diabetes and Alzheimer’s. My grandaunt adopted my mother since she has no children and has been living with us since. As such, I treat her as my own grandmother. My caregiving experience started in late 2016. I was working as an assistant theatre educator after the duration of my conscription from National Service has ended. At that point, I was still in the midst of figuring out what I want to do with my life. It was around the month of July, where I just started my part-time degree, my grandaunt suffered a fall and was hospitalised. So during that period, my family was discussing who is going to take care of her after she is discharged from the hospital. My mother asked me if I could take on the responsibility and after pondering about it, I came to a realisation that I have to care for her because my mother was not open to having a domestic worker at that time and my elder sister is working full-time while my two younger sisters were still studying for their diplomas and I was the only one that is strong enough to carry her. So my mother suggested that she will give me a small allowance while I take care of my grandaunt full time. After my grandaunt was discharged from hospital, she was unable to move physically on her own.

At first I was quite determined to help but as the days roll by, I realised how challenging and demanding care giving is. From feeding her her daily meals, to administering her medicine and showering her. All of it is very exhausting. After I’m done with breakfast, lunch is already coming and I just want to take a nap. It also doesn’t help that my grandaunt will hurl vulgarities at anyone who is handling her, since her body is sensitive and she feels pain especially when I turn her to change her diapers and if I’m transferring her from her bed to her push chair. It didn’t help that when I scroll through my social media feeds, I feel like my friends were having their time of their lives and building their own careers while I’m at home feeling like I’m in a state of inertia. Sometimes resentment seeps in and I ask myself, “Isn’t it wrong to feel this way?”. I felt very affected when a classmate of mine said that my job is easy because it wasn’t a full-time job like them and I could focus on my studies but they don’t know that caregiving is a 24 hour job. There was one time where I asked my younger sister to accompany me for my grandaunt’s appointment which was all the way at Singapore General Hospital (we live in Woodlands) but she didn’t concur because she said she had work to do and I broke down in front of her because I felt so alone on this journey.

I made a choice to go for a counselling session in my school and what I learnt was that caregivers do need time for themselves as well. I have been giving time for myself and it really helped. I believe exercise is also important because not only does it keep me fit, so that I can support my grandmother, but it also helps me mentally to be in a much more healthier state of mind. I also learnt to be much more patient and tolerant when dealing with my grandaunt such that I don’t take her swearing as personal insults but rather it is her way of expressing her pain. I also found interacting with her to be quite hilarious at times which takes the seriousness off the work. I feel blessed that at least I have family members who will help me if they see I’m occupied or stressed out. We have an unofficial system where when I have classes at night, or if I want to go out at night or during the weekends, some one else will have to take over the caregiver role. It does lift a bit of that weight off. I realised that compromise is important in the decision making process.As of today, I have been a caregiver for my aunt for 1 year and 7 months. My youngest sister is graduating this May and I found a job. I’ve discussed with my family and they agreed that it is time for the children to support them financially. I am not sure if my mother would choose to get a maid or retire and take over the caregiver role but I do know that caregiving is not a one man or woman’s job so my family has to be prepared to help each other if need be. It really requires the family members support because with that support, it really does make the caregiving experience so much more breathable.

I would like to thank AWARE for organising this talk because I learnt a lot from it. It has also opened my eyes to the cracks within Singapore’s health-care system and issues surrounding ageing. Hearing the experiences of others also makes me feel less lonely in this journey. So Thank you!