This is Hana’s* unabridged story.

I am the eldest of five children from a very traditional family consisting of 4 females and 1 male. All my siblings are married, I am not. Unfairly, my brother has gotten prioritised in everything in our life, being a man.

When my father was 52, he died from a sickness. He did not earn much while he was still working, so my mother, who was around 40 years old then, worked very hard to raise my siblings and I, despite facing problems with her mother-in-law. I had to take over responsibilities too.

My mother loved my brother the most, followed by my second-oldest sister, then my youngest sister. Ironically, my fourth sister and I (the ones she loved the least) are the ones taking care of her now. My mother is 80 this year, and has Dementia. My other three siblings have only come back to visit a few times (less than 5 times) in the past few years. However, they do contribute every month financially, except my brother who has not contributed at all!

My fourth sister, her family, and I take care of my mother’s daily needs, including hospital/polyclinic visits, preparing her daily medicine, etc. My fourth sister, her husband and I have taken a Caregiver to Caregiver (C2C) course at Tan Tock Seng Hospital (TTSH) on how to care for Mental Health, including Dementia. It is not an easy task, taking care of a Dementia patient. She still remembers the past, but not the present. When my sister and I first started taking care of her, she accused my sister’s son of stealing her money, so much so to the point that my brother-in-law got very upset over it. My sister and I tried to pacify my mother and brother-in-law. My mother also sometimes forgets her activities – she would keep eating but insist she has not eaten yet. Now I understand how the elderly mothers-in-law complain about how their daughters-in-law do not feed them.

In 2016, I lost my job and had no income, so I faced difficulty with my financial commitments. I became very depressed. There were times I lost control, dealing with my mother’s dementia as well. I really didn’t know what to do. I felt really guilty after those times, but what could I do. I told my sisters in our Whatsapp chat, but all they said was something like “poor dear, take care”. I even challenged my second-oldest and youngest sisters to take care of our mother for a week, full-time. They kept very quiet after that. They do not understand how our mother would sometimes come into my room very late at night, saying “there is someone in the toilet”, that she heard noises, or that the helper is stealing her clothes/money/jewellery. Because of those incidents, my blood pressure went up. There are times where I ignored my mother, but I felt very guilty. We have no intention of sending my mother to an old age home or any similar institutions because it is expensive and is not the right place for at this age. We have heard of a lot of ‘horror’ stories at old age homes too.

Whenever my mother is hospitalised, the rest of my siblings will visit her at the hospital, but never when she is at home. I am just very fed up, confused, and very tired of the whole ‘fiasco’. I told my fourth sister that I will take care of our mother until she passes on. However after she passes on, I will ‘disappear’ from my other siblings’ lives. 99% of the time, it is my fourth sister, her family (her daughter is a senior nurse) and I who live with and take care of my mother. I have also noticed that there are a lot of governmental benefits for families and married people, but not for the single and unmarried like me. How are we, the single and unmarried, going to survive when we get old? We have nobody to take care of us. It’s a scary thought. So all in all, I feel very outcasted.

*Not her real name.