Ashley: and we work at the women’s care centre at AWARE. Recently we’ve seen a rise in calls to our women’s helplines about domestic violence ever since COVID-19 has started. We are here to debunk four myths about domestic violence for you today.

Stacy: These myths are harmful because they lead to victims staying in dangerous situations for far longer than they should. And they also lead to bystanders being reluctant to intervene, when intervention would actually be helpful.

Myth 1: Domestic violence is only physical violence.

Ashley: So first off, some people think that domestic violence only consists of physical violence. That is actually not true. It consists of many different forms of violence, which makes sense actually, when you think of domestic abuse as a pattern of behaviour used to exert power and control over someone else. So some specific examples of domestic abuse is destruction of one’s property, using the well-being of children to manipulate the victim, restricting the victim’s movements, keeping them from seeing their family and so on.

Myth 2: There are “typical” perpetrators of domestic violence.

Stacy: The second myth surrounding domestic violence is the stereotype that there are typical perpetrators and typical victims of domestic violence. So we do see that there are some patterns of domestic violence, where overwhelmingly perpetrators tend to be men, whereas victims tend to be women. That being said, however, there are many ways in which the stereotypes surrounding domestic violence can be subverted.

Domestic violence can happen within families, between relatives, as well as between intimate partners. So domestic violence is definitely not just something that happens between husband and wife. We observe that domestic violence happens across all socio-economic classes, not just low income families.

Stacy: Many people think that perpetrators of domestic violence are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or that they have some kind of personality disorder that influences them to act in the way they do. What we do frequently observe is that perpetrators are very much in control of their mental faculties and can choose where, when and how they use violence.

Myth 3: If the violence was that bad, the victim would leave the relationship.

Ashley: So thirdly, some people think that if the domestic violence was that bad then the victim would leave, if the victim doesn’t leave, then surely it must not have been that bad. There are many reasons why a victim might not choose to leave or they can’t leave the relationship the situation right now and whether they leave or not is not an indication of the validity of the experience.

They may not realize that what they are experiencing is abuse because they have normalized the behaviour and they may be feeling or experiencing self-blame. Leaving is actually quite difficult and can sometimes be a dangerous thing to do. There is a chance of escalation from the perpetrator if they find out that someone’s leaving. Other reasons why it might be difficult for someone to leave is a lack of family support, support from friends and a lack of resources that they can use to help them.

What’s important to know is that perpetrators are not always abusive all the time. A relationship can provide real love and support to the victim and the children and the victim may have assessed that it is actually a safer and beneficial thing for them to stay in a relationship at that current point in time.

Myth 4: Domestic violence is a family affair and others shouldn’t intervene.

Stacy: The fourth myth surrounding domestic violence is the stereotype that domestic violence is only a family affair and that outside parties should not intervene. Domestic violence is not just a family affair. However, there are certain limits to intervention. Sometimes intervention can be more risky than helpful. For example, calling the police prematurely to the house where the violence is occurring, for example, can actually make the situation worse. If you do find yourself having to intervene in a domestic violence situation, do as far as possible, try to get the consent of the victim. Try as much as you can to explain to the victim why you are doing what you are doing.

As a single bystander, you cannot do everything and you should not take everything on yourself so do seek the support of professionals wherever you can.