This op-ed, penned by AWARE Executive Director Corinna Lim, was originally published in The Straits Times on 10 October 2023. 

Konstantin exemplifies what equal parenting commitment looks like.

When he and his wife had their first child 10 years ago, he was entitled to only three or four days of paternity leave, so he approached his company for four months of leave. The couple saw the first six months of their child’s life as an intensive caregiving period.

While he was prepared to take no-pay leave, the company agreed to give him four months of paid leave with a requirement to spend two hours each morning with his team, ensuring that work was on track. Konstantin readily agreed to this compromise.

His wife took two months of maternity leave, and when she returned to work, he spent four months at home looking after their daughter and doing two hours of work every morning.

As a result, Konstantin shares a strong bond with his daughter, and also with his second child. He believes that fathers should remain involved in raising their children beyond birth, emphasising that both parents share equal responsibility for the physical and psychological well-being of their children.

“Parents need to adopt this sense of responsibility for their children. It will feel like your responsibility only when you’ve had time to grow into the role of a parent,” he told me.

Konstantin’s children are now 10 and eight. He and his wife are in upper management roles. Both value being active parents, and have different parts of parenting they prefer to handle. He hates to shop for clothes, for example, so she takes care of that, as well as the children’s music classes and sporting activities. He handles all the school-related things like parent-teacher conferences and school associations, and both are confident about managing all aspects of looking after the kids. When one has to travel for work, the other stays home to look after the children.

Equal parenting can start any time

Philip (not his real name) is a stay-home father to a five-year-old son and a three-year-old daughter.

When his kids were born, he took his full entitlement of two weeks of paid paternity leave. But this short duration left him feeling like his wife’s “helpmate”. Instead of being a primary caregiver of the baby, he was merely an extra pair of hands to assist his wife and the confinement nanny.

Looking back, he views being around after the confinement nanny leaves as critical, and thinks that a second month of paternity leave is required for parents to adjust to parenthood.

A year ago, he left his job to be a stay-home dad when his kids were two and four years old. This was not easy as they kept looking for their mother whenever a challenge emerged. But with his wife’s encouragement, he developed the necessary knowledge and skills to take over caring for their children.

Now, he buys the groceries, manages the household and handles day-to-day school activities like homework and enrichment classes, while his wife plans the meals, organises holiday activities and keeps in touch with education-related matters.

He eagerly anticipates mastering the next domain – cooking. Philip’s story illustrates that while starting early has benefits, equal parenting can be embraced at any stage.

Not there yet

In my S R Nathan lecture series in 2021, I passionately argued that active fatherhood would be a transformative force for society. I envisioned a world where fathers were not mere bystanders but active co-parents from day one, sharing the joys and challenges of raising their children.

At that time, I pointed out the glaring disparity between maternity leave, which stood at a generous four months, and the paltry two weeks of paternity leave, perpetuating the notion that caregiving was primarily a mother’s responsibility.

Fast-forward to now, and the Government has recently amended the law to double paternity leave from two weeks to four weeks. It is undoubtedly progress, but true equality requires more.

Research from the Nordic countries has demonstrated that equal parenting policies foster egalitarian gender norms within families. These set the stage for a lifetime of shared responsibilities and mutual respect.

The examples of Konstantin and Philip show that there is no set formula for what active co-parenting looks like. It can look different for each couple as they divide the duties and responsibilities in the way that works best for them. The key is to give them the opportunity to take this on as a joint responsibility and find the balance that is right for them. That requires time and needs to begin when the child is born.

The desire for work-life balance is palpable among Singaporeans, particularly millennials. As the latest Straits Times survey shows, many prioritise family over career, signalling a societal shift in values.

Mindsets about gender roles and caregiving are changing. A 2023 survey by Indeed shows that almost one in two (47 per cent) workers in Singapore supports equal parental leave.

There is a growing and encouraging trend towards equal co-parenting, with many men viewing their roles quite differently, compared with their fathers. They understand that being a father means more than being a breadwinner – it means being an actively engaged co-parent, who feels equally responsible for the child’s upbringing.

The Singapore Government has approached paternity leave extensions cautiously, aligning them with societal readiness, especially that of employers. The current increase is commendable, but we must think ahead. Policymakers should announce plans for further extensions that lead ultimately to equal maternity and paternity leave. We would like to see this happen ideally within the next five years.

Equal partners

Konstantin’s and Philip’s stories show that men can do everything that women can do in childcare – perhaps except direct breastfeeding.

Both felt that parenting is not about gender but about learning caregiving skills and assuming responsibility for the child. Men are fully capable of nurturing, soothing and caring for their children. It is a matter of spending the time needed so that fathers can actively participate in their children’s upbringing and grow into their role as a parent, just like mothers do.

Caring for an infant is not easy, and there is a lot of sleep deprivation involved in the early months, but what these men discovered was that fatherhood has enriched their lives and helped them form strong bonds with their children.

There is scientific research to explain this bonding. Oxytocin, a hormone associated with greater engagement with the child, was found to increase in fathers just as much as in mothers in the transition to fatherhood and during the first six months of fatherhood. So this bonding is not exclusive to mothers.

Supportive workplace policies and culture

Derick, the father of a two-year-old son and a newborn, underwent a remarkable transformation. His first child’s birth coincided with a fortunate opportunity – his workplace offered him its extended 20 weeks of paid paternity leave.

Yet Derick hesitated, concerned about the impact on his career. Fortunately, he encountered “fatherhood champions” within his company who set the example by taking their full paternity leave. They made it feel safe for him to do the same.

Today, Derick says his decision to embrace fatherhood proved the best choice he has ever made. Now, he is on paternity leave again for his second child.

More companies globally are going beyond legally mandated maternity and paternity leave requirements in moving towards true gender equality. For example, Deutsche Bank, Goldman Sachs and, recently, Standard Chartered Bank offer equal maternity and paternity or parental leave to staff.

A company culture that promotes paternity leave can make a significant difference in encouraging fathers to take an active role in parenting, as Derick’s example shows. The civil service sets an exemplary precedent, with an impressive 84 per cent of fathers taking paternity leave compared with the general population’s average of 40 per cent between 2018 and 2020, according to a 2023 government response to a parliamentary question on paternity leave usage.

Shifting towards equal paternity and maternity leave and equal parenting also makes economic sense. As more women than men graduate from universities and have the potential to earn higher salaries, it is crucial to ensure that both partners have the opportunity to balance family and work. This benefits not only families but also the nation’s workforce and economy.

Men and women are ready for more equal co-parenting, and policymakers should be proactive in supporting their desires. These aspirations align with the country’s priority of higher fertility rates and a thriving workforce.

With Singapore’s fertility rate hitting an all-time low of 1.04 in 2022, we should not wait too long to equalise paternity leave.