Wild Rice Dramaturg Joel Tan (left) hosted a panel discussion about coercive control on 15 September 2024 with play director Sim Yan Ying, AWARE Director of Advocacy, Research and Communications, Sugidha Nithiananthan, and survivor of coercive control, Devika Panicker. Photograph by Athiyah Azeem.

Local theatre company Wild Rice has been staging a play, Dive, that walked audiences through a difficult-to-detect form of abuse, coercive control, within an intimate partner relationship.

Laura Hayes, the playwright of Dive, was inspired to write the play after learning that some of her friends had experienced coercive control in their relationships—yet she hadn’t recognised the signs at the time. Coercive control is a crime in Laura’s home country, the United Kingdom, introduced under the 2015 Serious Crime Act.

On Sunday, 15 September 2024, Dive’s dramaturg Joel Tan moderated a panel discussion to talk about this insidious form of abuse with our Director of Advocacy and Research, Sugidha Nithiananthan, the director of the play, Sim Yan Ying, and one of AWARE’s advocates and a survivor of coercive control, Devika Panicker. AWARE is currently undertaking research on coercive control in Singapore.

Devika shared the journey of her relationship with a controlling partner who began by being very caring—to her and to the people around him. While she noticed some red flags after they began dating, she brushed them off as normal relationship issues. Unfortunately, things worsened over time.

“When I tried to raise certain issues, it was all deflected into my own shortcomings, my own incapabilities, attacks on my intelligence, attacks on my memory, my finances,” Devika recalled.

She said he would call her names, gaslight her, change the facts of an argument in order to undermine her confidence in herself, and lie about incidents that had happened. The abuse was happening so frequently that his insults started to feel normal to Devika. He also pressured her for money, saying that giving him money would show she was  “rooting for him”.

Coercive control is a pattern of controlling, threatening or oppressive behaviour by which the abuser dominates or subordinates someone, usually an intimate partner or a family member. The abuser can employ many tactics, such as isolating, degrading, exploiting, frightening, harming or punishing the survivor. It can also be accompanied by other forms of abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse.

According to Sugidha, an intimate partner relationship does not usually start this way.

“If somebody began on the first date by throwing or shattering a glass next to you, you’re probably not getting a second date,” Sugidha said.

She explained that coercive control often starts with ‘love bombing’, where the abuser showers their partner with affection and builds trust. Then the egregious, controlling behaviours begin, often leaving the survivors too drained to argue or too afraid to upset their abusive partners.

AWARE’s research indicates that many survivors do not realise they are victims of abuse, let alone victims of coercive control. When public understanding of abuse is primarily limited to physical or sexual violence, survivors and those around them may fail to recognise forms of abuse such as coercive control.

Sugidha explained, “Coercive control is also a relationship dynamic, making it difficult for survivors to recognise they are actually in an abusive relationship.”

Many survivors, like Devika, feel they are unable to leave until there is some tangible abuse such as physical violence.

“A part of me knew the only way I would break up with him and stay broken up and stay far away was if it led to some sort of physical violence, and I was right,” Devika said.

“I was relieved when he punched me.”

Last year, the Women’s Charter was amended to define family violence as physical, sexual and emotional or psychological abuse, with Minister of State Sun Xueling clarifying that coercive and controlling behaviour is now covered under this law.

But outside of the legal system, few know the term “coercive control”. Sugidha said plays like Dive help raise awareness about this form of abuse and can help survivors realise that they are being abused, so they can start thinking about what they can do to get help and support.

“If I had the vocabulary for it sooner, I do think I would have felt a little bit more empowered to [leave the relationship sooner], or at least talk to someone about what this is that I’m experiencing,” Devika said.

Sugidha shared that the safest option for friends and family of survivors who want to help them is to let the survivors know that they are there for them, so that the survivors know they can reach out to them for support if they need it. She added that direct intervention can sometimes be unsafe for the survivor, who might then face retribution from the abuser for the intervention.

Awareness about this often unseen form of abuse must be spread so that survivors can recognise it and seek help. AWARE will complete its research on coercive control and publish our report in 2025.