Abusive Relationships

Do you find yourself in a relationship which is destructive but cannot seem to leave it? You may feel powerless to change the situation on your own. You may have become isolated from your support network: from friends and family. You wonder what happened to the person you thought you were. Your self confidence has been replaced with anxiety, depression or low self esteem.

A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual respect, equality, trust, communication, and freedom. Each person is allowed to be an individual within the relationship, and both people grow independently of each other, as well as grow as a couple. When partners in a healthy relationship engage in sexual activities, they communicate openly and respectfully. While no relationship is perfect, and we all have bad days, partners should feel, on the whole, that their relationship is positive and healthy.

It is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. It occurs at about the same rate in LGBTQ relationships as it does in heterosexual relationships. Abusive relationships rarely begin with physical violence and incorporate numerous methods of one person exerting power and control over another. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, or physical. It can include threats, isolation, and intimidation, and it tends to escalate over time.

Sometimes it may even include pressure to have sex with other people. Pressure by one partner on another to “swing” or engage in sexual behaviour with a third party which they are uncomfortable with is NOT a sign of an open, healthy relationship.

• One partner feels pressured by the other in regard to sex.
• One partner criticizes or humiliates the other in front of people.
• One partner frequently checks up on the other and questions what that person does when they’re not together.
• One partner’s jealousy stops the other from seeing friends or family.
• One partner feels scared by the other person’s violence or threatening behavior.
• One partner threatens harm (either to him/herself or the other person) in the event of a break-up.
• One partner makes excuses for bad behavior. For example, saying “it’s because of alcohol or drugs,” or because “I can’t control my temper,” or “I was just joking.”

• Fear: Fear of what the abusive partner might do to them if they leaves. Fear no one will believe their side of the story. Fear of what people might think of them if they know of the abuse.
• Forced contact: They have to see their partner all the time, at work or on campus. Their partner is friends with all of their friends and leaving the relationship may mean losing some of these friends.
• Forgiveness: They forgive the abuser. Many abusive relationships do not start off abusive and do not feel abusive 100% of the time. They may believe their partner’s promises to change
• Fatigue: They have tried leaving before and it didn’t work

• Listen, without judging. Be there to provide support.
• Tell your friend that the abuse is not their fault. There is no excuse for abusive behavior and it is never acceptable.
• Empower your friend to make their own decisions. Don’t be another person to control them.
• Get advice and direct your friend to support and resources.

• Talk to a friend or parent: sharing your experience will help you feel less isolated.
• Talk to AWARE: Our helpline is open weekdays from 10am – 6pm (1800 777 5555)
• Talk to a counsellor: If you are a student, you may seek counselling support at your school. AWARE also offers a counselling service: to book an appointment, call the helpline.

Both physical and sexual abuse is a crime and you can approach the police to report your case.